This Tugged My Heartstrings

Saturday 29 March 2008
1030 AM

I haven’t felt much like writing here lately, but I got a link to this military wife’s blog in a news digest yesterday, and it kind of got to me:
http://nonessentialequipment.blogspot.com/2008/03/he-knows-somethings-up.html

I don’t think there’s ever an age when a parent really wants to leave their kids, but at least mine are older now, and I think they can understand why I’m over here. It sounds like this little guy is much closer to the age my own kids were when I decided to get out of the military the first time around, so that I could spend more time with them.

Now that I’m back in and have been over here for a year and a half, it seems almost the norm to be separated. Reading this brought home to me a fresh appreciation for the pain of separation that each family goes through with each deployment.

I’ve been very wrapped up in my daily work here, plus taking classes and writing papers for my military education. Along with a couple of personal and professional issues I’ve had to deal with, I just didn’t have much left to put into the blog. At least that’s part of it. Another part of it is that more and more I’m thinking ahead to being home, and making concrete plans and preparations towards that time. Things here just don’t seem as interesting as they did before – I am doing interesting and rewarding work, but there just doesn’t seem to be much new to write about. Same sh*t, different day.

I’ll be able to look back on a number of concrete accomplishments that really improved life for people while I was here and which will have lasting effects after I go, but it’s the old story about putting your finger in the water and then taking it out – when I leave things will go on.

I’m thinking more and more about how I will reconnect with my kids once I’m back. We’ve more or less kept in touch, although with varying degrees of success and of course nothing at all like actually being home. For me “home” itself is an interesting concept. I let my townhouse go and my stuff is in storage. Two of my kids will be in college so they’ll be launched on their own lives with little time for me anyway. But it would be nice to be closer to their home base to be accessible for those times when they might just want to hang out for awhile or at least exchange a few words in passing. I’m afraid I’ve missed the last couple of years when that would really be an option, though. Then again, if my son goes to MSU I’ll actually be closer to him, and about the same distance from my older daughter in A^2, so who knows?.

My high schooler still has several years at home, and I think constantly about how I can be more accessible to her for these important years. There’s not too much we can do right now beyond playing WoW, chatting online, reading each other’s web pages, etc. But once I’m home I wonder if I can create an environment where she is comfortable hanging out with me, and how/whether we’ll be able to reconnect in a meaningful way.

The planned visits and activities are nice, but it’s the spontaneous moments when you are just there for them that really count as a parent. Maybe that’s why this military mother’s blog entry touched me the way it did. It’s hard not to be there for them when they just need a hug….


Mood: Thoughtful
Music: Iiona Montrecy - Un monde parfait